Harassing the Bus Driver:

Oh yeah, there are many-a-way to transport oneself about one's town. And the vilest option by far is public transportation. Your local bus driver is almost guaranteed to be a vulgar, rude and surly person who gets perverse pleasure out of slamming on the brakes when the bus is packed with people trying to hold on. And, if you're lucky enough to live in the towns of Boston or San Francisco, chances are the local bus driver makes more money than you. Not a bad deal for a person who enjoys waiting until a running Grandma is five feet from the door before pulling away from the curb. Well people, there comes a time in every anti-social person's life when you must stand up and make a stink. So this tutorial is designed to teach you ways to irritate and harass that most evil of civil servants, the bus driver. NOTE: most of the following tips will not only annoy the driver, but the other passengers as well. So what? Fuck em. They all suck shit anyway.

Always underpay your bus fare. The best way to do this is to pay in change...small change, like pennies. Say the fare is a dollar, you pay 86 cents in pennies. When the machine reads that you've only paid 86 cents and the driver asks you for 14 more cents, refuse to pay. Yell that the machine is broken because you carefully counted out the pennies before you left your apartment. Scream that the city needs to spend your hard earned money keeping their busses in tip top shape rather than blowing it all on their fancy parties and unions. Do not back down no matter what. Eventually the bus driver will relent and let you on. However, if he/she demands that you pay, pull out a note pad and pen. Ask the driver for all their personal information and state that you plan to name them in your lawsuit against the city and public transportation for attempting to scam you out of your money. That ought to get you on board. Extra Groovy Anti Social Bonus Points if you make sure to jam the machine up with your change, lengthening the amount of time it takes to bus to go anywhere as the driver attempts to unstick all the pennies clogging the receptacle of his machine.

Once on board it is your responsibility to make the driver's life a living hell. Here are a few ways to make the most of your public transportation dollar:

  • Signal for a stop every time you approach a bus stop. Then, just as the driver pulls into the stop, say, "Oh wait, this isn't it. Shucks." Do this until the driver just ignores you and blows past the next stop, then immediately start screaming at him for skipping your stop.

  • Whip extra pennies at the back of the driver's head every time he goes through a major intersection. Look at ceiling and whistle innocently when he glares at you via the rearview mirror.

  • If forced to stand near the driver, make sure to point out the front window and scream "TRUUUUUCK!!!" every time he turns his eyes away from the road in front of him. For effect, vary your routine by screaming "OLD LADY", "DOG", and "M.C. HAMMER".

  • Insist that the driver make the 80 year old Asian woman in the front give up her seat for you. Tell the driver that you are elderly, regardless of your age. When he contradicts you, smack him upside the head and say, "Back in my day, we showed respect to our elders!"

Another great way to make a bus driver's life miserable is to start rider revolts. This is especially useful in cities where public transportation is less than reliable...oh wait, that's all cities. Oh yeah, public transportation is run by a bunch of union-owned, fat, pathetic limp dick politicians. Silly me. Anyway, revolts are a fun way to liven up any ride. Here's a few suggestions on things to say for inciting that fun little riot on board your bus:

  • Four words: "Who you calling nigger?"

  • "Where do you get off calling us riders 'cockroaches'?"

  • "So you actually meant to drive off on that old lady?"

  • "Hey, are you allowed to take those dollars out of the machine?"

  • "I can't believe you just called that guy an asshole!"

  • "You make HOW much money?"

When all else fails, you can always hijack the fucking thing and demand that they drive you to France. Be sure to execute the driver.

Congratulations! You've successfully completed the Tormenting the Bus Driver tutorial. Finally, public transportation can rise beyond nuisance to useful activity. You are now one step closer to being truly Anti-Social!

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