Dining Out:

Few things strike terror in the heart of the truly anti-social as a dinner out on the town. Not only are you being forcibly dragged out of your cave into the obnoxiously tenanted outer world, but you're made to visit an overpriced, over-decorated overpopulated den of food preparation and presentation. Most often, you are forced to do this in order to fulfill familial obligations, work duties or to impress a date (note: dating only occurs when a) you need to get laid but are short of cash for an escort service b) you've found a girlfriend / boyfriend who is just as anti-social as you...which means that this tutorial shouldn't apply. So let's just assume you're horny, okay?). The following tutorial will instruct you on ways to make the dining experience more amusing for yourself as well as serving as a warning to those who would dare invade your privacy ever again.

Proper attire is a must. If you are going to a fancy place that requires a jacket and tie, be sure to drag out those jackets that were fashionable back in the Miami Vice days. Pastels, and lots of it. Then, for added emphasis, wear an annoyingly striped or loud solid shirt and a polka dot tie. I recommend heading to the bargain irregular bin at your local Marshall's to find the most hideous of colors and designs. Below are some lovely combinations that will make you the talk of the restaurant, as well as blinding anyone who give you more than a casual glance:

Orange pastelLime greenElectric blue dots on white
Baby blueNeon yellowLime green dots on white
Neon redElectric blueNeon orange dots on white
Piss yellowNeon redBright pink dots on blue
Lime greenNeon orangeNeon red dots on yellow

Proper behavior is next on the list. First, you must introduce your party to the host, hostess or maitre d. The first question they will ask is how many people are in your party. Look them dead in the eye for a moment longer than is absolutely necessary, look at the people in your party, look back at the host, look back at your party, turn and glare at the host. Ask, "why don't you put that wasted gray matter in between your ears to work and give us your best guess." Added bonus: demand to sit in the smoking section. This works great for states like California and Massachusetts that have banned smoking sections. Do not go gentle into that good non-smoking restaurant, dear readers. Make a big a stink about the fact that you want a smoking section, you want to smoke and you pay damn good money to smoke. When you are finally convinced to be seated even though there is no smoking allowed, demand an ashtray from every restaurant employee who comes within earshot of your table.

Next, the waiter or waitress (waitron for you politically correct knuckleheads) will approach your table with a false smile plastered on their lips to obsequiously ask you what you'd like from the drink menu. Always keep this thought in the back of your mind: no matter how obsequious they act, it's never enough. That will set the correct tone for the rest of the meal.

A fun way to start the meal is to ask the waiter/tress what wine they recommend. No matter what response they give, put an incredulous look on your face, chortle, look at your dinner-mates wonderingly and say something along the lines of "well, I guess we won't be taking our wine order from you then, how moronic." Then proceed to order a bottle of the cheapest wine they have, Glen Ellen or Gallo being a first choice.

If you chose not to use the above suggestion for the drinks, then now is the perfect time to employ it for the meal. Attempt to avoid using the same gag for both parts of the meal, the waiter/tress is usually not as easily intimidated on the second go around. Instead, try these alternate anti-social statements:

WAITER: Hi, my name is "blah blah blah" and I'll be your waiter/tress for tonight.
YOU: That's great but I just want a menu and my food. If I wanted to get to know you, I would have offered up my butt for you to sniff.

WAITER: Allow me to tell you what our specials are today.
YOU: If I want special, I'll watch Jerry's kids. Get me the steak and shut up.

WAITER: Would you like any appetizers tonight?
YOU: Gosh, they all look so tasty. Mmmm, Shittake mushrooms. Do you have any appetizers that weren't born, grown and harvested from shit?

WAITER: How would you like that prepared?
YOU: Gee, I dunno genius. Maybe you could have the cook put the thing over an open flame and we'll go from there, eh?

WAITER: Would you like the baked potato or the salad?
YOU: Jesus Christ, what is this, a meal or a fucking game show? Just gimme the fucking potato, or do I have to tell you how I'd like that prepared too?

WAITER: Enjoy your meal!
YOU: Piss off punk.

ORDERING DESSERT This is the fun part. You've finished the meal, you're stuffed. You're pretty sure the punk waiter/tress didn't spit on your steak or in your potato. And now you've got the dessert option. You don't want it, you're not hungry, but you'd be less than anti-social if you didn't make the little punk carry out that big display of desserts and demand to sample them. Make sure to have a bite of 90% of the desserts, but only one at a time. Example: Ask to have a sample of the mud pie, have a bite, chew thoughtfully and consider for a moment. Then decide that you need to try another one. Continue in this vein until the waiter/tress looks about ready to shove the cheesecake up your ass. Then declare that you aren't interested anymore and demand the check pronto.

The time has come to pay for the check. Paying for the meal can be the most fun part of the evening. How is that?, you ask. It's all a matter of mind games. Loudly declare that the meal was satisfactory but the service was horrendous. You've had better service in McDonald's. But here's the trick: leave a fifteen to twenty percent tip. The beauty of this little game is that you've got the waiter/tress all set up to bitch you out. If you're lucky, they won't even really count the tip but rather assume that it is miserable. They will then approach you without consideration of their actions and begin to berate you. At this point you can assume an extremely indignant stance, call the manager over and loudly complain about the service, being sure to mention the fact that you left a generous tip regardless. The waiter/tress will realize his/her mistake too late and begin to apologize profusely. Revel in their apologies and ass-kissing for a few moments then demand a gift certificate good for a free meal.

Congratulations, you've completed the tutorial on Dining Out. The skills you've learned here will help you not only to enjoy an otherwise unforgivable evening amongst the detritus of human society, you've also earned a free meal so you don't have to pay for the next date you bring there (especially good if she/he doesn't look like she/he's going to put out).

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