Alienating the Family:

Family. No one group of people is closer to you, genetically and relationship-wise. They raised you, taught you how to act, kept you safe when it was dangerous and loved you unconditionally. Obviously they must be made to pay! They're the reason why you are the way you are...they're to blame! And let's face it, you're never going to be anti-social in my book if you can just go running home to momma every time things get rough. So it's time to repay your family for all their "loving kindness" by driving them so nuts that they never want to be near you again. It ain't easy folks, families tend to be forgiving and they're used to your insanity. But that's why I'm here to help, now isn't it!

Let's clarify something about this tutorial before we go any further. This tutorial is written in the assumption that you're family is at least somewhat functioning. If your family has spent most of your life locking you up in the dryer whenever people come over to visit and feeding you raw human feces for dinner, you probably have already been alienated or have killed them all with a power saw. Problem solved, go on to the next tutorial.

Still here? Fine. Let's identify the core group, Family. To make your job a tad bit easier, we're just going to focus on the immediate family. Mom, Dad, Bro, Sis, the family pet. That whole crew. Once you've mastered alienating this tightly knit crew, you can move on to the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, and country-bumpkin freakazoids.

Conditions you don't have to worry your little head about: Single-parent families (just alienate the one parent), only child (alienate the parents), family killed in tragic accident (problem solved, next tutorial).

Now it's time for some tips and suggestions on how to alienate them buggers. Warning: this is not an easy task. Although not impossible, families tend to be more resilient than friends and alienating them requires more stringent effort on your part. I mean think about it: they cleaned up your shit when you were an infant with no bowel control, they cleaned up your shit when you were in grammar school and got diarrhea and had no bowel control, and they cleaned up your shit when you came home from college a raging drunk who shit all over the place trying to light your farts. They're inured to your shit, physical and verbal.

But don't despair, old Uncle Anti-Social (the only family you'll ever need from now on) will teach you how to succeed!

Here's a surefire way to drive them away: create your own cult. Don't attempt to join a cult and expect it to work, most families will just hire a deprogrammer who will waste your time and destroy your work (exception: join the NRA or Scientology - achieves similar alienating effects but are somehow considered legitimate). You need to take a step beyond and actually create your own cult! Some tips about forming your cult for maximum effectiveness:

  • Base your Cult's Armageddon on a second Passover where the Angel of Death will wipe out children unless they have eaten of their parent's flesh.

  • At the next family dinner, rub the edge of your knife with your finger and eye your parents hungrily. Extra touch: whenever you get up to get more water or second helpings, pinch one of your parents arms lightly and mutter, "Mmm, firm...probably tasty."

  • Either hire some actors to portray your followers or have your actual followers (extra points if your cult actually attracts followers) announce your entrance to every room and toss rose petals on the floor in front of your feet. Bonus: right after mom vacuums!

  • Sell all your family's belongings to fund you retreat in North Dakota.

  • Burn down the house and when your parents come home to find their beloved home destroyed, announce that they are now free of their Earthly Shackles and can join your cult.

Get yourself a bona fide addiction and make sure that it is a nice, nasty, readily apparent addiction that will force your family to watch you deteriorate. Be careful with this one, you want to live long enough to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Not only that, you want to choose addictions that have a nasty stigma attached to them so that your family will be less inclined to seek help for you and more inclined to shun you. Suggestions:

  • Sex addict: bring home a new partner twice a night (prostitutes welcome). When that's not available, masturbate constantly and in plain sight.

  • Gambling addict: install a really annoying slot machine in the living room of your parent's house so that whenever you're around, you can spin. Steal their change to play.

  • Porn addict: tote porn along with you at every visit to your family's residences. Start fidgeting, sweating and chattering your teeth while you all sit around on the couch and chat or watch TV. Then suddenly lunge for your jacket, pull out a porno mag, flip through it in front of everyone sigh a big, relieved sigh.

Finally, you can always join some group whose ethics and beliefs run completely opposite those of your parents and family. Grew up liberal in the suburbs? Join a paramilitary or racist shock troop, e.g: the Hammer Skins Neo-Nazi skinheads (kill Darky), the Bloods gang (kill Whitey), NOW (kill Men), PETA (kill anything not an animal), NRA (kill everything), etc. Grew up poor? Join the GOP. Grew up rich? Join the ACLU. You can see the pattern. Make sure to rub your new found beliefs in your family's face as often as possible, including holding rallies in their living room, hiding criminals in their closets and building an underground escape tunnel in the basement.

You've gone to a lot of trouble to get your family out of your life. Now that they are away, make sure that they stay away. But how to accomplish this feat without changing your name and moving away to another state? You've already hit this with just about as many major shocks as you think they can handle without slipping into cardiac arrest. Well, let's just work on your image so that every time they consider searching you out to bring you back into the fold, you succeed in scaring them away before they even get in the door. Here's some tips:

  • Join a Norwegian Death Metal band and leave the severed heads of roosters in your yard on stakes.

  • Come to the door dressed in full bondage gear, including the leather face mask with the zipper over the mouth.

  • Answer the phone as follows, "Thank you for calling 1-900-MOR-PEEEE, the extra E is for extra Pee!"

The best trick to completely alienate them may be as follows: Every six months, take your whole family to court for disgusting abuses they committed against your person when you were a child. Obscene touchings, suckings and fuckings to your pre-adolescent person. You can never live a former life now that you've dredged up these "REPRESSED MEMORIES". When you get to court, conveniently drop the trial because you need to verify that these memories are indeed real. Then do it all over again until the judge gets tired of it and refuses to hear your case. Then take it to another venue. By the time you're through, your family's reputation will be ruined and they'll never want to speak to you again!

Congratulations! You've successfully completed the How to Alienate Your Family tutorial. You can now exist without the insistent pestering of those overly concerned meat marionettes. You are now one step closer to being truly Anti-Social!

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