Alienating the Friends:
Youíve spent years finding the select few people who understand your quirks, tolerate your shortcomings and who love you simply for being who you are. Now itís time to peel those pathetic leeches off your ass and toss them to the sharks. Why? Because you can never be truly anti-social with a loving support group of your peers surrounding you. Itís time to learn how to alienate your friends.
Step One: Identify the target group named "friends". Sure, we think we know who are friends are, but when was the last time you truly tested your beliefs? The following are the three major friend-testing categories with sample implementation. Assume that anyone who still talks to you after these suggestions are put into practice is a friend:
Develop sudden, all encompassing love of alcohol. Drink at every moment possible. Attempt to be drunk around your friends at every opportunity.Sobriety:
The above exercise also works well if all your friends are drunks, just develop sobriety and start insisting on sobriety from your friends.Religion:
Step Two: What do you do now that youíve discovered who your friends really are? Well, donít be afraid, they may be persistent folk willing to stick with you through thick and thin, but thereís always one more way to avoid them. It involves something of a circuitous path, but hereís a surefire way to get yourself alienated from your few (probably single) remaining friend: move in. Thatís right, make up a story about being unable to pay rent, move all of your stuff into storage and ask if you can crash on their couch until you get back on your feet. The goal here is to impose so heavily upon your friend that he/she has no recourse but to ask you to leave, at which point you can get very huffy and disappear.
See the beauty? You get to be alienated from your friends, but they feel guilty (important if you should ever need a really big favor, you can always call a friend who feels guilty). The rest of this exercise should be a breeze. Ever have extended family stay at your parentís home back when you lived there? Remember how it seemed that theyíd never leave? Remember how it seemed like youíd never have your privacy again? Well now youíre the extended family and the annoyance factor has been pushed past critical! Here are some ways to insure that your friend will try to get rid of you:
At this point, your friends should be well on their way to kicking you out. Good job!
Congratulations! You've finished the Alienating Your Friends tutorial. You're one step closer to becoming truly Anti-Social. By following the tips available in this tutorial, you'll dramatically reduce the number or annoying meat sacks who attempt to get in touch with you on a regular basis. Soon youíll be able to wallow in your own crapulence in peace