Alienating the Friends:


Youíve spent years finding the select few people who understand your quirks, tolerate your shortcomings and who love you simply for being who you are. Now itís time to peel those pathetic leeches off your ass and toss them to the sharks. Why? Because you can never be truly anti-social with a loving support group of your peers surrounding you. Itís time to learn how to alienate your friends.

Step One: Identify the target group named "friends". Sure, we think we know who are friends are, but when was the last time you truly tested your beliefs? The following are the three major friend-testing categories with sample implementation. Assume that anyone who still talks to you after these suggestions are put into practice is a friend:

Alcohol:

Develop sudden, all encompassing love of alcohol. Drink at every moment possible. Attempt to be drunk around your friends at every opportunity.

While drunk, do the following: If male, grope your female friends constantly and direct all conversation to their breasts. If female, taunt and tease your male friends with sexually suggestive strip shows then develop an aversion to sex at the last moment.

Any and all drunken insults should be employed. Preferably comment on the type of farm animal your friendís mother must have cavorted with in order to produce such an ugly offspring.

When confronted about your actions the next day, plead inebriation or pull a Reagan (I uh, I donít uh, donít recall) and walk away.

Sobriety:

The above exercise also works well if all your friends are drunks, just develop sobriety and start insisting on sobriety from your friends.

Call the cops on anyone who has a beer and then drives home. Say you did it for their own good.

Whenever you are at a friendís house, raid their liquor cabinet or refrigerator and pour out all the alcohol until forcibly wrestled away from the stash.

Refuse to ever be the designated driver. Say that they should ALL be designated drivers.

Attempt to organize interventions for all your friends who drink. This works particularly well if you can convince your friendís family that your friend has become a complete lush.

Religion:

Convert to a radical religion and spend all day, every day trying to convert your friends.

Make sure to point out everything they do that could be construed as a sin for which they will burn in hell (or wherever). Example: hand anti-pre-marital sex tracts to your friend and their girl/boy friend whenever you see them. Scream "Repent, Sinners!" as they leave.

Discover the face of the Virgin Mary in the soap and refuse to wash for weeks for fear of offending the virgin mother.

Note: if one of your friends is religiously literate and attempts to contradict your sudden faith, grab their forehead in your palm and scream "Get thee behind me, Satan" while pushing their head away from you, preferably into a wall or refrigerator.

Step Two: What do you do now that youíve discovered who your friends really are? Well, donít be afraid, they may be persistent folk willing to stick with you through thick and thin, but thereís always one more way to avoid them. It involves something of a circuitous path, but hereís a surefire way to get yourself alienated from your few (probably single) remaining friend: move in. Thatís right, make up a story about being unable to pay rent, move all of your stuff into storage and ask if you can crash on their couch until you get back on your feet. The goal here is to impose so heavily upon your friend that he/she has no recourse but to ask you to leave, at which point you can get very huffy and disappear.

See the beauty? You get to be alienated from your friends, but they feel guilty (important if you should ever need a really big favor, you can always call a friend who feels guilty). The rest of this exercise should be a breeze. Ever have extended family stay at your parentís home back when you lived there? Remember how it seemed that theyíd never leave? Remember how it seemed like youíd never have your privacy again? Well now youíre the extended family and the annoyance factor has been pushed past critical! Here are some ways to insure that your friend will try to get rid of you:

  • Wake up an hour earlier than your friend and start doing aerobics in the living room.

  • Consistently let yourself get caught pissing in the sink or bathtub.

  • Eat all of the dry good in the house but leave the empty boxes in the cabinets. Profess ignorance when confronted about the foodís disappearance.

  • Use the phone to randomly call foreign countries. Attempt to have conversations with whoever answers.

  • Open all the mail and leave it lying on the couch in full view. Profess ignorance when confronted about the mail, but chortle about the size of the phone bill.

  • Borrow your friendís camera and take pictures of his girlfriend/wife while sheís showering. Develop the film and laugh over the shots in front of him.

  • Leave drug paraphernalia in plain view when you know your friendís parents, coworkers or loan officers are coming in for a visit. Bongs are especially good for this because almost anyone can be pictured smoking pot while crack pipes may be a harder sell (depends on the friend).

At this point, your friends should be well on their way to kicking you out. Good job!

Congratulations! You've finished the Alienating Your Friends tutorial. You're one step closer to becoming truly Anti-Social. By following the tips available in this tutorial, you'll dramatically reduce the number or annoying meat sacks who attempt to get in touch with you on a regular basis. Soon youíll be able to wallow in your own crapulence in peace

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