Letters to the Editor:

As you may have discovered, one of the drawbacks of the Anti-Social lifestyle is the complete and utter isolation it brings from your fellow man. Allow me to clarify: it's not the people we miss, it's the fact that they make such good targets. There are only so many avenues of abuse to be found in discourse with the voices in your head, so we need to find a new way to express ourselves. That's the problem this tutorial solves for us. Writing letters to the editor not only serves to give you an opportunity to vent your opinions, it also allows you to turn an otherwise innocent Editor in your personal, private bitch. Strike that, there's no such thing as an innocent editor.

Choose a paper. This is the easiest part of the tutorial. Just find a paper that you would read if you actually gave a shit what happened to all those sad sacks of pus and plasma that clog the streets like so much cow dung. I recommend the straightest paper in town. For example if you lived in Boston, you would choose the Boston Globe versus the Boston Herald of the Boston Phoenix. The latter two might actually agree with your ramblings.

Now you must prepare yourself for the actual writing. This includes choosing a workspace, getting your tools together, maintaining the proper attitude and choosing the best delivery methods. Step-by-step now:

Any writer will tell you that the best way to keep your writing organized and flowing well is to choose a workspace where you will be free from distractions, free from interruption and free from clutter. That's why I recommend that you perform all your letters-to-the-editor writing in the loudest, messiest most trafficked area you can find. Coherency and a well flowing letter have no place in our world so take you well-ordered desk and shove it up your ass! Here's a suggestion: write on the sidewalk next to a construction area with jackhammers and make sure that your place on the sidewalk forces as many people as possible to walk around you. Extra points if a suit in a hurry bumps into you and you get into a fistfight...make sure to wipe the blood on the letter.

Ballpoint pen? Fountain pen? Pencil? Fuck that. Crayons and many different colored crayons at that. Crayola is your God, worship him as he deserves.

The best way to get into the proper frame of mind for writing your letter-to-the-editor is to take as many drugs and/or drink as much booze as you can get your hands on. The best of all possible states of mind occurs after a three day peyote and Jack Daniel's binge. At this point reality and fantasy should have successfully melded, allowing you to express your opinion on that fucker in office, or the slum lord who runs your apatment complex or how we're all going to be wiped out by the giant flaming celery stick that has been chasing you for the last day and a half.

Most people work so hard on the above steps that they forget to put the effort in on the final step. But make no mistake, the way you deliver the message will have almost as much effect as all of the above. If you are going to use regular mail, make sure that you address the envelope in a manner that will instantly identify it as the work of art that it is. Covering as much as the envelope in stick figure drawings of demons eating people works well. Copying serial killer's quirks works well too...for example always put two pieces of postage on the envelope and put them on upside down A La the Zodiac Killer. Other methods of delivery that will separate you from the herd are:

  • Homing Pigeon - make sure the pigeon has the letter attached to it via staples and hurl the fucker through the newspaper office's window.

  • Air Mail - get as high up on the building next to the newspaper's office as possible, attach the letter to a brick and wing it at the Editor as he leaves for the night.

  • Special Delivery - Commandeer a mail van and put your letter on the windshield, proceed to drive the thing through the front doors of the newspaper's office.

Follow up is extremely important in getting your letter published. The best way to attract as much attention to your letter as possible is to trail the editor as he leaves the office for the day. Find out which car is his to later you can vent your disappointment about your letter not being published by writing "FUCKER" on his hood with acid. Follow him home so you can leave encouraging letters urging him to publish your letters attached to bricks that get hurled through his windows. Extra points if you can get into the office through subterfuge (pose as a cleaner or something like that) and leave an encouraging note nailed to his computer monitor.

Congratulations! You've learned the basics of writing a letter to the editor and I have presented you with several tips on getting your letter to the Editor's attention. But feel free to come up with your own creative ways of getting your opinions heard. Remember, it's your right to be heard, even though the quivering piles of useless flesh don't really deserve to hear your thoughts.

All Content ©2000 Memler Productions