Writing Your Manifesto:

There is perhaps little else in the life of the Anti-Social that means quite so much as a properly insane manifesto. Sorry, let me repeat that - MANIFESTO! This is the peak of your Anti-Social career, the statement that will reside long after you take/give your life in the name of some unknown cause (or at least get a lengthy jail term), the very essence of your Anti-Social lifestyle boiled down to some crazed ramblings, only occasionally making rational sense.

Do not approach this task lightly. This is not something that the novice Anti-Social should attempt. This is purely for the advanced among us. Now, knowing that you morons aren't even vaguely heeding my advice and, therefore, will suffer permanent psychic damage, for which I am happy to take credit, here's how one would go about writing their man...MANIFESTO!!!

It's vastly important that your document at least appear to have structure. You can rave about the mad Hamster revolution which insists on running up into your anus there to be sealed in with duct tape for all I care, but if it's not laid out properly, no one is going to read it.

So how does one structure one's manif...MANIFESTO!!?? Well, a good way to deal with it is to remember what your high school English teachers taught you about writing the 5 paragraph essay. It begins with an introduction that sums up the major points of the essay, a body which explains the major points and a conclusion which sums it all up. But instead of five paragraphs, your essay (or MANIFESTO!!!) will span pages and pages of useless drivel.

Indeed, it's almost a necessity that you label the different parts of your MANIFESTO!!! with the correct titles, much like an outline. This way, the morons down at the Post can figure out what to print first. So what are the different parts?

The introduction is key. This is where you lay out the ground work for your MANIFESTO!!! First you need to state who your enemy is and why they are considered worthy of your contempt. In my case, it's society and people in general. Why? They smell funny and intefere with my goal of being peacefully inebriated at all times. Therefore, it is a conspiracy against all mankind and the Revolution must assert itself to fight for the inebriation of mankind!

It is essential that this introduction be at least half as long as the following document, because you are going to make a lot of your key arguments in the introduction, despite the fact that the introduction is purely a place to "introduce" your arguments. Such thinking is for the common person, which we are not! Therefore, answer the majority of your arguments within the introduction, but immediately following your solution-statement, put a little note saying that it will be discussed later on in the essay. Then never discuss it again. This serves to keep the fools guessing!

The next several parts are basically the same. You are going to support none of the arguments that you brought up in the Introduction and, instead, bring up whole new arguments that are only vaguely, if at all, related to your original argument. For example, I may rage against my inability to get drunk and stay that way in the Introduction, however the next big section will have the title: "And The Free Masons Told Them How to Grow Hemp". Then I will argue for multiple pages that the Free Masons were the biggest stoners of all time and, since the secretly run the world, we should all be as stoned as they are! Then I might begin on my Anne Murray as Anti-Christ is Pansy's Clothing rant.

The final part is so essential that it gets its own heading, because it's

The conclusion is extremely important to the overall success of your MANIFESTO! Not only does the Conclusion offer you the opportunity to completely unravel the thread of your MANIFESTO!, it also allows you to wallow in self-doubt and self-pity.

How so? Well, it is the conclusion where you can make statements such as, "But nothing I say will change the course of modern evolutions acceptance of hamsters in my anus", or "inebriation being what it is, I fully expect to be dead of liver-failure within the year, so you can all blow me". Also found in the conclusion is your inevitable statement giving away your location or your identity. It can be as simple as, "This is the absolute truth, or my name is John Q. Asshole" or something as stupid as "The streets where one can find a city which does not sleep all wind up at my door, at 1444 Commonwealth Ave." Finally, this is your chance to convince everyone reading your manifesto that the reason for your bizarre activities exist purely because you have a terrible self-opinion, but are projecting it onto everyone else because they all are worthless. Little do they know that they really ARE worthless and you are privy to that great secret!

Make sure to overwhelm the readers with footnotes containing "facts" taken from sources you've never read or even heard of. It makes you appear to be more competent and amuses the news staff as they research your sources. Don't forget to follow the delivery guidelines in the How to Write a Letter to the Editor tutorial!

Congratulations, you are now equipped with the tools to create your own MANIFESTO!!! Except for the pencil, paper, typewriter, computer, or whatever it is that you will actually use to write this bad boy. But you'll tough it out, cause I'm sure as hell not giving you anything. Get out of my yard! No go forth and spread your vile wisdom!

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