Proper Phone Use:

This week's special will develop your phone skills into an Anti-Social weapon to add to your arsenal. Phone calls and the phone itself are one of the banes of the Anti-Social's existence. With this tutorial, you will learn how to keep those phone calls down to minimum through the ancient art of horrifying the caller.

Step One:
The first thing to do is receive a phone call. If you're new to the Anti-Social world, this shouldn't be a problem. If you been Anti-Social for a while, you may need to sign up for a credit card or order a pizza using the wrong address to get a phone call.

Step Two:
This is perhaps the most difficult part of the phone call. You have to act civil for the first few moments of the call. This will serve to suck the caller in and make them confortable. In other words, erupting with a loud, "Who the fuck is this?" when answering the phone is right out. Try to say "hello" nicely and calmly. Practice in the mirror a few times daily to get the feel of it. If you're performing it correctly, you'll notice that your neck muscles aren't tensed, your face is relaxed and you aren't flexing and unflexing your hand. If you're performing it incorrectly, you'll notice that you are muttering expletives under your breath, there is sweat on your brow, and there is a distinct grinding noise coming from your teeth.

Step Three:
Let the caller introduce themselves and explain the purpose of their call without interrupting. I know, it seems like an awful lot of restraint is involved in this tutorial, but it will pay off grandly. Practice restraint by going to your local Starbucks and asking the attendant for a plain coffee. As the conversation about which flavor of plain coffee you'd like spins out of control, time how long you manage to stay calm. Practice this until you manage to stay calm for at least 30 seconds. Luckily, with the proliferation of Starbucks, you should have no problem finding fresh locations to practice in. And all the caffeine will do you good.

Step Four:
This is where you reach payoff. Generally, the folks who are calling you are trying to sell you some additional service to your credit card, insurance or insurance on your credit card service. These folks are professional telemarketers so it is going to take some of your best work to scratch their hulls. Here are some of the best ways to get their attention:

  • When asked if they can have a moment of your time, respond that at current market value your time is worth roughly $350 a moment. Then ask for their credit card number. Be sure to get indignant when they laugh and remind them that they are going into debt as you speak.

  • When they tell you that they would like to share a wonderful opportunity for Mastercard/Visa/Discover/AMEX members only, ask them if it involves body disposal cause you're really in a jam. Laugh nervously.

  • When they ask if you've ever thought about getting or increasing your life insurance, reply that you've been giving it considerable thought ever since the Post Office let you go and all your benefits were revoked. Be sure to mention the fact that anyone who cancels your benefits "will be made to pay". If possible, cock a gun in the phone receiver.

  • Let them ramble on about their insurance offering until the point when they ask if you are interested in signing up. Reply that you are indeed interested, very interested. You'd love to sign up. You're so happy that they called. It's so nice to have someone to talk to. It's hard finding people to talk to, isn't it? You can tell that they understand, you can tell that this person is a kindred soul. You just know that you're going to get along so well. Where do you live? I'd like to come out and meet you. Let's get together for dinner and drinks. Sound shattered when they say that they aren't interested then tell them that you already know where they work and you'll meet them there instead. Hang up.

  • Mutter "bugs" under your breath for the duration of the call.

  • Order a large pepperoni pizza. Continuing attempting to order the pizza no matter how many times they deny that they are the pizza place.

Congratulations! You've finished the phone tutorial. You're one step closer to becoming truly Anti-Social. By following the tips available in this tutorial, you'll dramatically reduce the number of harrassing phone calls you receive. Good luck with your phone endeavors and remember, the darker the hole you live in, the fewer of those damn hairless apes you have to interact with.

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