The police. The men and women of law enforcement. Those who face the streets and its dangers every day, hoping to make it home every night. A group of people dedicated to protecting society, protecting the average citizen from subversives, drug-addicts and criminals. An organization who, if confronted in the proper manner, will not only step all over your rights but will provide you with a comfy living in the process. Thank JAYSIS for the cops, ya'll.
In order to take advantage of Police Brutality and reap the rewards that lay within, one must have iron will, steely determination, and an rectum made of pure titanium. Remember: you want to be Louima, not Diallo. That's why this tutorial is in the ADVANCED section, kiddies.
PART ONE - THE MEET AND GREET:
So, as with so many things in life, moderation is the key (thankfully, this sage bit of advice need not be applied to drinking or drug use). You must strive to achieve the balanced crime: that which will get you arrested and dragged into a questioning room or closet, but not one which will end with you being Bubba's Bitch on clam chowder night in Pod B.
So what are some good ways to get dragged into the police house? Read on:
PART TWO - ASSEMBLING THE CAST:
If you followed the steps in Part One properly, the cops should already be on-edge around you, just itching to pop you one in the mouth. All that's needed now is a push in the proper direction, as facilitated by your own, smart-ass comments. If you have no ability to mouth smart-ass comments an inappropriate times, then I highly recommend you re-assess your status as anti-social.
However, if you're feeling somewhat unmotivated creatively due to the usual hard drinking, punching of walls and screaming at an uncaring night sky, then allow me to present you with a few non-sequiters that may stimulate the blood of our brothers in Blue:
PART THREE - THE TRIAL:
So now that the gang-rape in the interrogation room is over, it's time to focus on bringing in the cash reward. All you need to do now is make a simple phone call. Just when you thought you could get no more disgusting: you're about to bring a lawyer into the mix.
This is perhaps the easiest part of the tutorial - all you have to do is set the lawyer on the trail and, like a bloodhound with a taste for large cash-settlements of which he'll receive twenty percent, he'll track down all the cops and start to work on them. Be prepared for meetings where you'll sit terrified and shaking in front of the cops who tickled your testes with the barrels of their Glocks. In order to bring up to correct emotional response needed for these meetings, I suggest visualizing Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O'Donnel in a no-holds barred, nekkid oil wrestling match.
The FBI should have joined the IAB at this point...now just sit back and get ready for a long, annoying trial in front of *shudder* other people before you attain your reward.PART FOUR - IN CONCLUSION:
I never said it would be easy, but you're independently wealthy now. Never again will you be forced to drink the swill from your Beer Storage Units...indeed, you can now afford full Budweiser brand beer. And all it took was some internal injuries and a bit of rape. Yep, we love the police when they get all power-crazy. Cha-Ching!
Congratulations, you are now equipped with the knowledge to earn the needed funds for true, anti-social style living. Don't forget to donate a hefty percentage to the guy who taught you everything you know.