Police Brutality:

In order to take advantage of Police Brutality and reap the rewards that lay within, one must have iron will, steely determination, and an rectum made of pure titanium. Remember: you want to be Louima, not Diallo. That's why this tutorial is in the ADVANCED section, kiddies.

PART ONE - THE MEET AND GREET:
There can be no police brutality without police. Therefore, the first step is vitally important to success in this, one of the most anti-social activities in which you can participate. There are several ways to garner the attention of the police. Among these are murder, rape and selling kiddie porn to Gary Glitter. However, these ways are fraught with danger. Murder will get you executed faster than George W. Bush can guzzle a 12 pack and pull the trigger. Rape will introduce you to the wonderful world of sodomy on cell block D, not to mention that rapists are inevitably the scummiest individuals to wallow in our particular mud puddle. And selling kiddie porn to Gary Glitter is not only disgusting, it's just plain...well...disgusting. I'm torn over which is more disgusting: supporting kiddie porn, or supporting Gary Glitter. Either way: yuck.

So, as with so many things in life, moderation is the key (thankfully, this sage bit of advice need not be applied to drinking or drug use). You must strive to achieve the balanced crime: that which will get you arrested and dragged into a questioning room or closet, but not one which will end with you being Bubba's Bitch on clam chowder night in Pod B.

So what are some good ways to get dragged into the police house? Read on:

• The Speeding Violation: This one must be applied with attitude and panache to be successful. Most cops would rather just write you a ticket and send you on your way, secure in the knowledge that they've made some cash for the cause and are one step closer to their quota. You need to go the extra mile by:
• Attempting to bribe the cop with a fresh banana. Extra points if you suck on it suggestively, especially if you're both men.
• Asking the cop how he could possibly have got you on radar when his gargantuan gut must interfere with the radar waves.
• Stating that the only reason he pulled you over is because he can only masturbate with the siren on.
• The Drunken Brawl: A proven method is get involved in a drunken brawl at a local watering hole. It's even better if you can get someone else to pop the cop in the lip once and then claim that you did the deed. Plus, you can put your actual innocence to use later on down the road.
• Attempted Suicide: Not only is it particularly pathetic, but they have to take you in if you attempt suicide. Be sure to mumble angrily in the back seat on the ride back to the precinct. Mention how much you wish you could take all those pansy-ass cops with you when you go.

PART TWO - ASSEMBLING THE CAST:
Now that you're back in the police house, you need the supporting cast members to pull off this production. It's easy - simply think back to the rules of High School: the big lummox who likes to beat up the smaller kids only does so when he's sure he's got people cheering him on (other lummoxes...or is that lummoxi?). Just look for the other cops who crowd around you like 10-year-old girls around the limo of N'SYNC.

If you followed the steps in Part One properly, the cops should already be on-edge around you, just itching to pop you one in the mouth. All that's needed now is a push in the proper direction, as facilitated by your own, smart-ass comments. If you have no ability to mouth smart-ass comments an inappropriate times, then I highly recommend you re-assess your status as anti-social.

However, if you're feeling somewhat unmotivated creatively due to the usual hard drinking, punching of walls and screaming at an uncaring night sky, then allow me to present you with a few non-sequiters that may stimulate the blood of our brothers in Blue:

• So which one of you is the gay cop that watches the others in the locker room?
• I don't think it's right when people call you 'pigs', you remind me more of jiggling mountains of shit with eyes.
• Your priest touched you when you were a boy, didn't he?
• Wow, look at the crowd. When do you all break into showtunes and sniff each other's asses?
• I've got a DNA sample for you right here (best said while unzipping pants).
• So when do you do 'good cop, bad cop'? Or are you all going to play the stupid cop tonight?
• All we need is a construction worker, an Indian and a motorcycle guy and we've got ourselves a chorus line!

PART THREE - THE TRIAL:
If you managed to make it through the first two sections without losing your life, then you're well on your way to the ultimate pay-off. However, you've probably been bleeding heavily from the anus...we all have our crosses to bear. Anal-tearing happens to be yours. Hey, I'm not the guy who's following this advice...idiot.

So now that the gang-rape in the interrogation room is over, it's time to focus on bringing in the cash reward. All you need to do now is make a simple phone call. Just when you thought you could get no more disgusting: you're about to bring a lawyer into the mix.

This is perhaps the easiest part of the tutorial - all you have to do is set the lawyer on the trail and, like a bloodhound with a taste for large cash-settlements of which he'll receive twenty percent, he'll track down all the cops and start to work on them. Be prepared for meetings where you'll sit terrified and shaking in front of the cops who tickled your testes with the barrels of their Glocks. In order to bring up to correct emotional response needed for these meetings, I suggest visualizing Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O'Donnel in a no-holds barred, nekkid oil wrestling match.

The FBI should have joined the IAB at this point...now just sit back and get ready for a long, annoying trial in front of *shudder* other people before you attain your reward.

Congratulations, you are now equipped with the knowledge to earn the needed funds for true, anti-social style living. Don't forget to donate a hefty percentage to the guy who taught you everything you know.