Road Rage. Once just the subject of 70's movies (Duel, Christine, that TV movie with the mean ol' black van), it's become a hot topic in the news, support groups have been started to help folks deal with it and the public outcry has made it top-of-mind with drivers everywhere. So how can you tap your Anti-Social skills to make Road Rage a tool for your Anti-Social life? Well, that's what this, the first of the Medium level tutorials, aims to teach. Besides, what better way to show the whole world how anti-social you are than by pissing off everyone you come in contact with?
Get a car. Don't have a car? Not to worry, there are tutorials to help you out as well (see Tormenting the Bus Driver, coming soon). If you don't have any real moral or legal compunctions against theft, you might consider ripping off someone's Mercedes or Lexus and going for a Joy Ride. Not only do you get to cruise in a chill ride, you get to torment those rich fuckers we all hate (until we become rich fuckers, at which time we will despise the unwashed masses of the poor). Of course, stealing a car could lead to jail so make sure you make the right call for your Anti-Social lifestyle. In other words, make sure to steal something worth wrecking. What's the point of going to jail for ripping off a Chevy Citation that couldn't outrun a paraplegic in a breath-driven wheel chair?
Hit the roads and cruise for morons (shouldn't be a challenge). Since this is you first attempt at intentional road rage, I suggest a large highway with several lanes to provide the richest target environment. Plus, large highways provide lots of opportunities for escape later on, and if you piss people off enough you'll want to get away. Some folks carry guns. Hint: if you live in Texas, bring your gun with you. The ultimate Road Rage confrontation in states like Texas (and many Southern States) involves lots of gunfire.
If you don't have access to any large highways, then the busiest street you can find will do. What we're looking for here is plenty of opportunities to experience road rage. Hint: stay away from donut shops if you're trying road rage in a town. Despite the goofy stereotype, cops really do hang out wherever coffee and donuts can be obtained for free (lots of donut places provide free coffee and donuts for the extra safety of lots of cops).
Now it's time to get the road rage a-happenin'. Here are some tips to get you started, both for highway driving and in-town driving:
- Get in the fast lane and pass an 18-wheeler. Get right up to the cab of the truck (or slightly ahead of it) and then match speeds with it so that all those behind you get caught right next to the threatening bulk of the trailer (extra points if it's raining, the spray from the truck will blind those following you).
- Lane changing should be done often and without signaling. It's especially useful to switch two lanes at a time as quickly as possible, cutting off as many people as possible.
- Drive at extremely inconsistent speeds. Especially good if it is trafficky and people can't get by you easily.
- Brake needlessly, sharply and often.
- Two words: weave drunkenly (extra points if actually drunk).
- Install air-horns on your car and blow them when people least expect it. Fun to watch them jump and swerve.
- Stop at busy traffic lights and wait until the light turns green before turning on your left turn signal. Do not pull out into the intersection to let people get around you.
- The classic move: drive 5 miles an hour below the speed limit, which is usually 35.
- Drive extremely slow and look around a lot…point occasionally as if you were taking yourself on a guided tour.
- Stop about 10 feet before the stop line at a red light.
- Wrestle visibly with a map while swerving recklessly about.
- Toss empty cans out the window every 200 feet, preferably aiming for the car behind you.
Now you've got the rage, and it's right behind you screaming and yelling and trying to force you off the road. This is where it gets really fun. Here are some common ways of dealing with someone who is attempting to force you off the road:
- Slam the brakes and let them rear-end you, then scream bloody murder about whiplash. Sue. Note: wear your seatbelt and attempt this maneuver only if you're sure you will survive it. This move is also good for a lot of cop cars who haven't had their airbags modified. Let them slam ya and set off their airbags. Their car is now useless and you get to drive off with a big ol' hard on from beating the man!
- Force them off the road instead. Do the classic movie car war, slamming your hunk of metal against their hunk of metal. Tip: go for the rear corner of the car where you can force them into a spin out with minimal damage to your vehicle. Note: this tactic is best when you're using someone else's car. Just picturing the owner's face when they get their car back is enough to make ya smile, plus you'll freak out your opponent when they notice you're smiling while ramming them.
- Buy caltrops from any of those odd survivalist catalogs. These little metal spikes do wonders to tires. Toss them out your window and watch the fun.
- Light M80's and toss them out the window at the car behind you. Pretend like you're in the original Terminator movie and your trying to clow up the terminator as he chases you.
Any way you look at it, it spells for a fun afternoon or evening. Best of all if you really get folks worked up with Road Rage, they may have heart attacks and spin out of control on their own. Extra points if you stop your car and run back to check on the victim. While he/she is gasping on the ground kneel down, as them if they are having a heart attack. When they nod "yes" ask if they want an ambulance. When they nod "yes" say something along the lines of, "Psych! See ya, cholesterol boy!" and take off.
Congratulations, you've completed the tutorial on Road Rage. Now hop in your car, get outside and take these new skillz of yours for a test drive.