Shopping Etiquette:

Oh, the joy of leaving the house, getting out into the bright sunshine and then immediately into the smothering confines of a "ultra-modern" mall teeming with the unwashed masses of human wreckage fitfully attempting to prove to one another that they are cooler than Jesus, usually by wearing some ridiculous combination of heavy winter jackets and hoods even though it's 72 degrees outside. FUN! Like a root canal is fun, like being punched in the mouth is fun, like accidentally running over your dog is fun. But sometimes getting out into a mall or a department store is a necessity, but that doesn't mean we can't develop our Anti-Social skills while we shop, now does it?

STEP ONE: We must develop the "look". We must present an image that seems to suggest a certain "Fuck you, meat puppet" attitude. Here's how:

  • Dress the part: all black clothes are suggested. A trench coat or any kind of clothing that makes it seem conceivable to security that you have a shotgun with you. Dark sunglasses are a nice accessory, people get nervous when they can't see your eyes.

  • Develop a good, weight-of-the-world-rests-on-my-shoulders slouched walking style, something that says "Back the fuck up" to passersby. This is generally achieved by hunching the shoulders and scrunching your neck into your chest.

  • Your walking pace is important here too, you must move quickly and efficiently...especially since you've just scrunched yourself up into a tightly wound mass of hate.

  • Next, get your anti-social grimace / scowl in full view. Remember, this scowl should convey a feeling of utter disdain for the mall rats surrounding you. It should also make people wary to be within ten feet of your body for fear that you might push them over the railing or into the inevitable fountain.

  • HINT: Before you head out to the store, practice in a mirror. Unlike other tutorials where you are forced to put on a fašade of calm in order to lure you prey to within striking distance, at the mall you will need to look evil from the very start in order to keep all the cattle from rubbing up against you. So work your look out in the mirror before bringing into public. It might be a good idea to take a few dry runs on a busy sidewalk before making a full entrance into the mall. When people find it preferable to hop off the sidewalk into the path of an oncoming truck than to rub shoulders with you, you've achieved success...take it to the mall.

STEP TWO: Your look is perfected, now you need to learn exactly how to conduct yourself in the hallways and aisles of the malls. There is a fine line between making people get out of your way and assault. So to avoid jail time, practice this next step carefully.

What you need to do is get to the store you want, find the item you need, pay for it and get the fuck out of Dodge before going utterly ballistic. But the mall is filled with overweight, loud and obnoxious fools who like nothing better than moseying down the aisles at about the same pace as the blood through their cholesterol jammed arteries. And they like to move this way five abreast so as to insure that no one can get by their jabbering lardness. So how do you get by without being so physical as to actually get arrested? Follow these steps in order whenever presented with this situation:

  • Start off with a gravelly "Excuse me" (NOTE: if your voice is not yet gravelly, you haven't been drinking and smoking enough...pick up the pace, punk).

  • Get as close to their quivering, jelly-like bodies as is possible without losing your lunch and pace back and forth behind them looking for an opening.

  • Continue pacing, searching for an opening but add in the muttering of obscenities. Particularly good comments are: "Red Rover, Red Rover, I want to get past you fat asses", "The fucking Wall of Berlin was easier to get past than you lard asses", and the ever popular, "fucking move" repeated over and over and over and over and over and over, etc.

  • Finally, if all else fails grab a fistful of individually wrapped pieces of chocolate and throw them over their heads to land in front of the group. When they all fall to their hands and knees, shamelessly drooling and fighting over the goodies, make your way through them. Now that they are on the ground, be sure to use your knees to knock their fat asses over and enjoy the view of their struggling attempts to right themselves (kind of like watching turtles trying to flip over, if the turtles were three hundred pounds, dressed in unbelievably tight clothing and yapping mindlessly).

STEP THREE: Now it comes time to deal with the actual shopping. Oftentimes, clerks at mall stores get uppity with their customers. Well, one of the added bonuses of being utterly anti-social is that you could give a shit what the fucking minimum-wage earning assholes think. Here are some common situations and ways to handle them:

A clerk follows you about the store, periodically asking if they can help you find something. Respond with one of the following:

Yeah, can you help me find your dignity? I think it's over here in the irregulars bin.

Maybe, do you carry a spray that will repel annoying salespeople?

Yeah, I'm looking for a way to get you to leave me the fuck alone.

Definitely, I'm looking for your mom, bitch owes me cash for crack.

Fuck you.

While you're waiting to purchase your items at the cash register, the clerk gets on the phone and talks with one of their friends instead of ringing you up. He/she says she'll be right with you:

Oh good, I'll just start knocking things over while I'm waiting (push one of the counter displays onto the ground then punt it the length of the store. Smile happily.)

Don't let me interrupt, I'll just take my shit and go (pick items up and proceed to walk out of store).

Is that your mom on the phone? Tell that bitch that next time she better swallow it all.

Begin singing "Take on Me" by Ah Ha at the top of your lungs.

Fuck you.

The clerk ignores you completely:

Stalk around the store, following the clerk and staring at the back of his/her head while he/she is trying to make sales.

Drop trow and take a leak in the middle of the store (when confronted just state that, hell, you didn't think anyone was paying attention).

Tie multiple pairs of underwear together onto an umbrella or other stick-lick object and then wave like a flag.

Walk up to the clerk with a wad of bills in your hand, wave in front of his/her eyes and say, "Ever seen this much of this in one hand? No? Must suck making minimum wage, now get your ass over her so I can boss you around, punk."

Fuck you, show me these shoes in size 10. Now.

STEP FOUR: While walking out of the mall, it is always fun to taunt the security guards. When you see one coming towards you, stop walking and stare guiltily at him. Clutch your bag to your chest and look around as if trying to figure a way out. Then, when you're sure you've got his attention, run for the doors. If you're lucky he'll tackle you and you can sue the pants off his security company, the mall and anyone else who pissed you off. NOTE: make sure it is a security guard and not a cop before you do this, guards cannot touch you, cops sure as hell can.

Congratulations, you've completed the Anti-Social Primer's Tutorial on Shopping. You're one step closer to becoming truly Anti-Social. By following the tips available in this tutorial, you'll find the skills necessary to negotiate the surrealistic hell that is shopping and shopping malls.

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