Successfully Coping with Unemployment on an Anti-Social's Budget, A Guide.

Your years of hard work, sacrifice and unappreciated toil have finally paid off: you're unemployed. For those of you not yet unemployed, I highly recommend reading the Work Tutorial in the Anti-Social Primer.

So you're out on the streets now, staring the world dead in the eye and proclaiming, "I AM UNEMPLOYED, AND I SHALL LIVE OFF YOUR LABOR! I AM THE WORM IN YOUR INTESTINE, THE LICE IN YOUR HAIR, THE CRABS IN YOUR CROTCH!" and so forth until some one buys you a drink and you occupy yourself with that instead.

But then you realize that you're surrounded by the same pitiful bags of intestines that you had just successfully evaded by losing that spirit-leech of a prison term called your job.

After promptly running back to your hovel and locking yourself inside, you should give serious thought to several changes that you must make. Prior to serious thought, however, you should spend a significant portion of your savings stocking up on booze so that you can give your serious thought the fuel it needs to produce positive results.

Booze achieved, you're ready to begin the celebrations. But like all good times, it can't last forever. Some mid-afternoon, you're going to crawl out from underneath the bottles that have been your blanket and realize that the end of the month had arrived. Bill time. Rent, credit cards, electricity, phone, subscription to 50 various porn sites, etc., etc. In a bleary moment of clarity, you realize that the money that you're getting from unemployment is roughly half that which you're used to living on.

Then, staring at the stub of your unemployment check, you realize that your unemployment benefits are finite, and not the muscle-atrophying joy of the free money you'd hoped for.

The ghastly truth settles in - you're going to have to get a job.

WAIT! Don't rush to such conclusions! There's no need for thinking crazy thoughts. Another job isn't what you need, you just need some guidance. And that's where this Anti-Social Primer Guide comes in handy. I'm going to teach you how to live for an extended period of time on the dole.

RULE 1: Do not waste today, what could tomorrow be a quick buzz. You might be living high on the hog with your ten dollar 30-pack of Busch Light today, but tomorrow may bring a sudden cessation of your beer purchasing activities. You'll need to plan ahead now so that, should the unthinkable happen and your beer money dries up, you'll have something fall back on besides the DTs. That's why I suggest procuring an empty two-gallon plastic jug, preferably one free of motor oil, and set it up as a beer storage unit. Into this beer storage unit, you will pour all the remainders of your beer, the "wounded soldier" to use the vernacular. Don't worry about mixing brands, there's little variation between Busch, Bud, Schmidt's and Golden Anniversary. With proper planning and diligence, you should have several beer storage units brimming with afterwash for those cold nights when you can't scrape together the buck for a single.

RULE 2: Reduce your bills. An average person has to pay all sorts of utilities, whether they live in their own house or in an apartment. You can cut down on the bills by following some simple suggestions. Stop showering. Who are you trying to impress? You're unemployed, dammit. Heating water for a shower costs money, even using water for a shower costs money, so stop. You can even gain some small sustenance by munching on the things that take up residence in your groin after the first month. Stop cooking. Gas stoves use gas which costs money and electric stoves, you guessed it, use electricity which costs even more money. Here's a recipe: Take a chunk of Ramen noodles, hold them in your mouth with a bit of drinking water (or beer-wash from your beer storage unit) until they soften, dump in a pinch of the flavoring powder, swish in your mouth like mouthwash, chew, and swallow. Mmm, mmm good.

RULE 3: Cut back on the luxuries. Don't buy anything that isn't necessary to your continued existence. What do I mean by this? Haven't you ever heard that there are five necessities of life? They are: food, clothing, shelter, work and love. I think we can narrow that list down to three right off the bat, and if you even question which two I'd cut, please find the nearest dead, wall-mounted deer head and poke your eyes out on the antlers. So, of the three, upon which do you really need to be spending your hard-earned unemployment wages? Clothing? I think not, what you own now is probably too much considering how much money people spend on those idiotic name brands, you fucking sheep. Shelter? Well, I'm assuming that's already covered and if not, get looking for your very own refrigerator box and homeless shelter combo. So it comes to food. Yes, you'll need food. Ramen noodles: 12 for a buck. Done.

OK, that's got the basics of getting your lifestyle on the right track. You should be able to extend your time-on-unemployment by an order of magnitude, mainly because you won't be spending all that phat loot you'll be receiving from the DET. But what happens if you need money? That's Part the Second, kiddies.

Part Deux

Say a situation arises where you need money, but you don't have any desire to lose your unemployment status. Maybe you've finally run out of beer-wash and need to restock, or perhaps you need to buy some rice in order to offset the constant, small heart-attacks that seem to happen every time you eat the powdered Ramen noodles flavoring. Whatever. The fact is that sometimes new cash flow opportunities need to be explored, and you're looking for ones that involve as little penetration of your anus as possible.

LEAD 1: Develop an accent. That's right, get your local patois into full, daytime talk show gear. Or, if you happen to live in a part of the country where the accent is less than striking, watch Jerry Springer reruns and learn, grasshopper. You never know when you'll find some angle to get yourself on one of those shows and make a bit of cash to boot. There's nothing like calling up the producers and telling that you are, in fact, a former KKK member looking to make good, or a current KKK member looking to beat up reformed KKK members, or a KKK Grand Dragon who makes booty calls on the 7th graders only to get shot down. It's not like they're ever going to verify their sources and the free booze in the hotel rooms and limo will make up for the interaction with the show staff. Plus you get to rant and rave at people on TV!

LEAD 2: Sell the dead weight. Do an inventory of your dwelling and find out what is truly necessary, then sell everything else. For example, do you really need plates and silverware? Steal a supply of plastic sporks from Kentucky Fried Chicken and your utensil needs are covered. Mattress AND boxspring? What's with all the tables, and why more than one chair? Furniture goes great at your local Salvation Army. Speaking of which, how many changes of clothes do you really need? More than 10 CDs or cassettes? Sell the rest (yeah, like you listen to your collection of 80's New Wave Hits anyway, you tone deaf punk). How many light bulbs do you really need, and for that matter, how many lights? Do you really need all that blood in your veins? TWO kidneys? And what about that lame-ass plasma...get rid of it whenever possible. I think you get the idea, you just need to approach it with the right mindset. Don't make me come over there and adjust your mindset with a brick!

LEAD 3: Become an entrepreneur. Organs don't grow on trees, and you'd be amazed at how few questions get asked when you deliver a nice batch of hearts in a cooler. This is a growth enterprise and one which can easily be run in your spare time between drinking and gumming Ramen noodles. Besides, those baboons at the zoo never see it coming. You didn't think I was suggesting that you harvest from people? Hell no, not until you get your removal skills down first. Baboons are a great training ground, just watch out for the biting and do not, not ever, paint your ass bright red...estrus is a funny thing to male baboons.

There you go, now you are equipped to deal with the demands and rigors of the Anti-Socially unemployed. If you follow the guidelines I've set forth here, your interaction with the living, breathing public should be kept to a bare minimum, leaving you plenty of time to get on with drinking some tasty beer wash and munching on some toasted Ramen noodle chunks.

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