Working World:

The workplace is one of the most difficult environments to maintain your Anti-Social status. There is a constant pressure to contribute in meetings, to respond to your boss when he/she says good morning and to basically react to the inane comments of your co-workers.

The workplace is also the place where a great majority of us spend most of our lives (a thought which should have a true Anti-Social quivering with rage). So it is especially important that the ambitious Anti-Social-in-training get a handle on how to truly be Anti-Social at work (without getting fired...that’s a key issue).

Step One:
The most important step in becoming truly anti-social at work is by customizing your workspace in a bizarre manner. This serves to deter the skin-suits that wander slack-jawed by your cubicle or office from striking up a meaningless banter with you. Key points to consider when choosing the décor of your office: does it hurt to look at, does it make me seem insane, am I horrifying without breaking the law. Examples are as follows:

  1. Build a collection of Chia Heads and plant one seed only on each so they all look like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. Glare angrily at anyone who suggests that you many be planting them wrong.

  2. If you are at an ergonomically designed desk that takes up a full section of your cubicle, hang a sheet along the front edge and spend your lunches underneath your desk with a portable light. Let no one else in your "fort".

  3. Cover your bulletin board with copies of the same picture of your wife/child/pet/girlfriend/boyfriend. Quantity of pictures (excessive) and symmetry of layout on your bulletin board (obsessive) are key.

  4. Build stacks of phone books on your bookshelves, your desk and the floor. Make sure that every phone book is for a distant state and town. Explain to those who ask that you never want to be at a loss for a phone number.

  5. Cover your desk, tables, bookshelves and any free space with Jack Chick religious tracts. Do not offer them to others to read, but leave a stack of the "You’re Going to Burn in Hell" tracts within easy eyeshot of any passersby.

  6. Deck out every available surface of your office/cubicle with the team-oriented, motivational posters, coffee mugs, carved rocks and calendars available at stores like Successories. Insist on reading them to everyone who comes in your office.

Step Two:
Dress appropriately for the office place, but make sure everything you wear is black. Particularly effective if you are forced to wear a suit to work. Black jacket, black slacks, black shirt, black tie, black underwear, black shoes and black socks. You will inevitably be asked if you are going to a funeral. Respond that you expect to very soon while glaring at the questioner. Do not stop staring until they leave. Occasionally wear one white shoe. When it is pointed out to you, yell "Dammit, they got it again!". Proceed to tear the shoe from your foot. Offer it to the person who pointed out the color disparity. If they don't take it, throw it into your office space and walk around with one unshod foot for the rest of the day.

Step Three:
The proper attitude is a must. You need to find ways to address the oxygen-wasters who surround you in a friendly tone but with words that hurt...vaguely. This will make them feel like pond scum yet will not provide them with ammunition they could use to get you fired. The best way to do this is to develop pat answers to common questions. By using these over and over, they will soon cease to ask you anymore questions. Here are some examples:

Them: Good morning.
You: Good morning, ever think we might die in a car crash tonight?

Them: What’s up?
You: A relative directional concept with no bearing on anything work-related (walk away).

Them: Did you have a good weekend?
You: Yeah until that body cavity search. But it happens every weekend...I gotta stop running from the cops.

Them: What did you do this weekend?
You: Continued my training and scouted clock towers. You?

Them: Would you like to get some lunch?
You: No thanks, I brought some Blood & Tongue loaf for sandwiches. Want one?

Them: Have a good night.
You: Yeah, don’t die in a car crash, OK?

Step Four:
Take advantage of your position for full, negative impact. If you are a lowly mail room clerk, then make sure you bend all materials marked "Do Not Bend" and hold onto anything that looks like a bill for an extra week before delivering. If you're in middle management, make sure that your team is forever fearful of employee evaluations. Give them demerits for as many minor infractions as possible: showing up five minutes late to work, using the fax machine for personal faxes, using company time to surf personal web pages like this one. If you are advanced management, make sure that your bonus is never, ever distributed amongst the carrion below you. And don't forget to randomly fire as many people as you feel is necessary to keep yourself feared amongst the peasants.

Congratulations, you’ve completed the Workplace section of the Anti-Social primer. The steps that you have taken in this tutorial will develop your subtlety skills for later, more dangerous anti-social behavior.

For more extreme ideas, check out this Ten Step Program.

All Content ©2000 Memler Productions